By the time Bonnie got to Colorado, Will had already been cremated.
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The anxiety had appear from her earlier brother, Scott. She’d been in Cape Cod, on a weekend abroad with her mom and her sister, and aback she best up the phone, Scott said, “Where are you?” and she knew article was wrong. In her estimation, she cried, nonstop, for 72 hours. She could not eat. She could not drink. She did not sleep. She threw up. She had diarrhea. “Your actual abdomen are abhorrent adjoin what you aloof heard,” she says now, cerebration about that time.
The Gunnison County coroner was a attentive earlier man who wore a cowboy hat. He escorted Bonnie as able-bodied as Will’s father, Gary, and adolescent brother, John, into a bald allowance with a table in the middle. On the table sat a atramentous artificial box labeled “William D. Olson” in neat, italicized type. On top of it sat Will’s wallet. Abutting to it, Will’s helmet and his CamelBak. In a beam it hit her: This is all I accept left.
News belief about declared Will Olson’s afterlife as a aberration accident. Forty years old, he was an able rider, and the area of aisle he comatose on during the Crested Butte Big Abundance Enduro on August 1, 2015, was bland and mellow. He died of a alarming chest injury. There were no assemblage to the crash. The aboriginal racers who came aloft Will performed CPR and mouth-to-mouth for about 25 annual until EMTs and paramedics accustomed to the alien backcountry site. But doctors afterwards told Olson’s ancestors that he was allegedly gone aural the aboriginal few minutes.
His afterlife additionally fabricated annual because it was the aboriginal in enduro, a accepted arising conduct of abundance bike racing, area participants are timed on long, technical, and primarily decline stages amid untimed pedaling “transfers.” Racers knew it was risky, that they ability breach basic or alike ache added austere injuries. But cipher accepted addition to die.
Will had been about new to the enduro antagonism arena in Colorado, but he was admired and respected. Accompany and ancestors declared him as a quiet, apprehensive “soul rider” who was crazy fast and endemic Strava KOMs all over his home trails in the Vail Valley, but wasn’t the blazon to blow about his athleticism. Olson had been arch the awful aggressive Vet Able Men/30 class in the Big Abundance Enduro Alternation aback he crashed. The day afterwards the crash, over 200 adolescent racers and riders did a accolade ride for Will on the trails in Crested Butte. Some of the racers additionally started a GoFundMe for Will’s family, which aloft about $24,000. The alternation retired his chase number, 139.
There were added accommodation that fabricated Will’s afterlife abnormally tragic: That he had been aloof three weeks abroad from affective to Burlington, Vermont, to alpha a new affiliate of his activity with his girlfriend, Bonnie McDonald, afterwards bristles years of dating and two years of long-distance. That he and Bonnie, who was afresh 38 and active in Boston, had formed out aback in April how she’d appear out and they’d absorb a brace weeks accomplishing a goodbye tour, camping and benumbed with accompany afore active to Vermont. That aloof 10 canicule afore he’d crashed, they’d best out an assurance ring. That he had aloof capital to break in Colorado continued abundant to do one added race: Crested Butte.
Bonnie and Will had aggregate so much. They had both been longtime Vail Valley residents, both bona fide badass abundance people. Will had developed up the additional of three brothers in the backcountry association of Scappoose, Oregon (population 7,000), and his adolescence was spent exploring the lush, abutting backcountry that amidst his family’s farm, by abundance and clay bike. Aback Will aboriginal confused to Vail to snowboard and abundance bike in his aboriginal 20s, he lived in a broken-down berth on the ancillary of a abundance with no active baptize or electricity.
Bonnie had additionally been a average child, growing up in the suburbs of Boston, and had been able-bodied abundant to comedy soccer at Saint Anselm Academy in New Hampshire. She’d apparent her adulation for the mountains the summer afterwards her inferior year in college, aback she formed in Acadia National Park. Afterwards college, Bonnie ample that if she admired those mountains, she’d like bigger ones, and confused by herself to the Vail Valley. She was hooked: Aural a year she had recruited her earlier brother, Scott, to appear out. They bought a coffee boutique together, area Bonnie worked. In Colorado, Bonnie apparent backcountry skiing. She accomplished yoga. She bedrock climbed so abundant her aback started to attending “like a refrigerator.” And she begin her all-in passion: abundance biking.
Despite active in the aforementioned baby community, the two didn’t accommodated until 2010, on a camping and benumbed cruise with accompany in Crested Butte. Will was afresh divorced, but Bonnie didn’t apperceive that. She artlessly anticipation the quiet guy with the amber eyes, who had been blind off to the ancillary as the accumulation got accessible to ride, was appealing cute. And aback she saw Will, who was a agile 5’9″ and 140 pounds, bead anybody up the aboriginal climb, Bonnie affronted to her best acquaintance Amber and said, “I anticipate I’m gonna date him.” For his part, Will best absolutely took apprehension of the woman with the chestnut curls and the smile that lit up her absolute face. She was attenuate but well-muscled, like a dancer—but best impressively, she had a gutsy, get-after-it benumbed style. The abutting time they saw ceremony other, Bonnie shouted her buzz cardinal to Will midride. He couldn’t bethink the aboriginal three digits, so he dialed every accessible bounded prefix in the Vail Valley until she best up.
The accord blossomed bound and naturally. They admired skiing and snowboarding, camping with friends, and of course, abundance biking. They took adventures in Will’s atramentous Toyota Tacoma, bikes and camping accessory in the bed, Bonnie’s anxiety on the dashboard. Benumbed with Will, Bonnie became an alike stronger cyclist. In groups, Bonnie was the aerated one who would assignment the allowance while Will was added reserved, watching and animated at her antics. But they assuredly brought out ceremony other’s antic natures, skinny-dipping in aerial lakes and pond holes, rarely fighting.
Even aback Bonnie absitively that, afterwards 13 years in the Vail Valley, she capital to move aback to Boston, be afterpiece to family, and use the master’s bulk she was alive on, Will was supportive. He capital to break in Colorado, but he promised he’d chase her if she admired it. The long-distance wasn’t consistently easy. They breach up twice, but it never lasted added than a few weeks. They talked every morning—Will’s anxiety would go off at 5:30 a.m. and he would anxiety Bonnie on her drive to work. They beatific cards on holidays and birthdays. They visited ceremony added so abundant “we should own JetBlue,” says Bonnie.
In April, aloof a few months afore Will died, they went to Acadia National Park. It would be one of their aftermost trips together. They went hiking, snuck off the aisle to accept sex, and laughed like teenagers aback they about got caught. They shotgunned beers in the auberge room—Will’s idea—but they were both so bad at it that they sprayed the bath with PBR. At dinner, aback a brace at a adjoining table saw Bonnie cutting a white dress and asked if they’d aloof gotten married, they said yes, and milked the chargeless drinks.
The night she begin out, Bonnie had lain in bed clumsy to sleep, repeating the absurd over and over in her head: Will is dead. Will is dead. Will is dead. How could annihilation anytime be accept again?
Bonnie advised activity to church. She approved activity to a affliction counselor. Active in a Colorado ski town, with its ability of asperous independence, she had gotten actual acceptable at bulging that adventurous persona, and she bamboozled the counselor, a changeable woman who “graduated” her afterwards aloof three sessions. “I anticipate you’ve got a abundant handle on things,” she’d gushed, and Bonnie had thought, You accept a degree?
Finally, Bonnie went to go see a medium. She’s not the blazon to seek out what she calls “airy bogie clear ladies,” but the average was recommended to her by Western doctors, and she was atrocious for answers.
The average could “talk” to Will, and in actuality began accomplishing so about immediately, as she and Bonnie were still walking to her office. Bonnie could apprehend abandoned the medium’s ancillary of the conversation, and Will seemed to accept a lot to say, which accumulated for a somewhat hilarious, afflicted effect, as the average responded artlessly to an allegedly assertive battery from addition who wasn’t there: “Okay, okay, I got it, we’re walking in the door.” “Can you aloof go to the cards?” (Pause.) “Well, because I apprehend cards.” Bonnie had gone in to the average with a advantageous bulk of skepticism, and at aboriginal she wasn’t abiding what to accomplish of this behavior—she laughed and cried at the aforementioned time. But the average knew too abounding accommodation to beam off: She knew that Bonnie had been adorable for his watch, and at one point she’d acquaint Bonnie that the agitation with Will’s barter was not the brakes as Bonnie suspected, but mud. (Lo and behold, aback Bonnie afterwards took the barter to a mechanic, he said, “Your brakes are fine, but angelic bits do you accept a lot of mud beneath there.”)
More importantly, the average explained to Bonnie her appearance on activity and death: that aback we’re born, we all get a contract. And aback that arrangement ends, we get these opportunities—she alleged them windows—to leave. Will was presented with a acceptable window, and he took it. If he didn’t, it was activity to be addition one, not continued after, that maybe would not accept been as good—a alike crash, for example, or a car accident. The average said that Will fabricated his accommodation to leave quickly, that he approved to acquaint his aboriginal responders that it was okay, they didn’t allegation to assignment on him so long.
The average additionally helped Bonnie accept the abstraction that energies that were destined to be calm would consistently appear together. In one activity it ability be as mother and child, in addition it could be as abecedary and student, or bedmate and wife. That Will was still out there somewhere; that he had not artlessly accomplished to exist, that she ability one day be reunited with his energy—these thoughts comforted Bonnie.
People attending for these things, of course, aback admired ones pass: signs and access that can advice to actualize faculty from absurd tragedy. Alike Bonnie, with her New England practicality, acknowledges this, and does not absolutely advance that she went to a medium. But that appointment was aloof one instance in a alternation of contest that happened afterwards Will’s afterlife that, alike to an alfresco observer, affect a able faculty of mysticism. A airy actuality ability anxiety them miracles.
But at their heart, they were gifts.
The aboriginal allowance was the bike.
Two canicule afterwards Will died, his best friend, Mike Pastore, alleged Bonnie. It was the aboriginal time they’d announced aback Will died, and he sobbed into the phone. “Do you apperceive what Will has for you?” he asked, alike admitting he knew she didn’t.
Bonnie listened with atheism as Mike told her that, aloof a ceremony afore the accident, Will had bought her a bike. Mike helped him aces it out: a carbon Specialized Rhyme, a new women’s all-mountain bike. It was declared to be a surprise.
Both Mike and Bonnie were already crying, but aloft audition this news, “she anon went from akin 10 to akin 15 in agreement of emotions,” he recalls. Bonnie and Will didn’t buy ceremony added presents—they’d consistently adopted instead to absorb money on trips together. Why would he accept aback bought her such a big, big-ticket gift—let abandoned a ceremony afore he anesthetized away?
Bonnie’s new bike accustomed in mid-September. Will’s acquaintance Shannon congenital it for her with Will’s tools. It was gleaming, perfect, the nicest bike she’d anytime owned.
But her aboriginal rides were horrible. She took her new bike on a camping cruise with accompany in Moab, Utah. She acquainted like she couldn’t aces a band afterwards Will’s caster allegorical her. She comatose over and over.
In fact, she acquainted like she couldn’t bethink how to do annihilation afterwards Will. At the campsite, she couldn’t bethink how to breach the wood, body the fire, do all the things that Will acclimated to do. Her accompany all had partners. Bonnie was amidst by bodies but she acquainted so alone.
Her accompany larboard a brace canicule later, and Bonnie backward on in the arid by herself. Get your bits together, she told herself. You rode bikes afore Will, you went camping afore Will. She was still the aforementioned angrily absolute woman who had confused to Vail alone; who had absolute out her knee skiing and gotten herself bottomward to the basal of the mountain, gritting her teeth through the pain.
Bonnie congenital the blaze that night, fabricated herself aliment on the stove. The abutting day, she went for a ride and she didn’t crash. As she tackled obstacles on her bike, it beyond her apperception that maybe if she could relearn to ride, she could somehow action her grief.
Of advance it didn’t assignment like that.
The additional allowance was the ring.
Ten canicule afore Will’s death, Bonnie and Will had best out an assurance arena while on vacation with Will’s ancestors in Hood River, Oregon. It was beautiful: a tear-shaped, uncut gray diamond, amid in formed chicken gold. They didn’t buy it that day—Will capital to adduce to her properly. But they were bemused abrogation the shop, captivation hands.
After Will died, the boutique emailed him, allurement if he was accessible to booty abutting steps. Bonnie abreast them that Will had passed. Aback she alternate to Oregon for his additional canonizing service, Will’s ancestors took her to the adornment store. There, the boutique owners and his ancestors afraid her with the ring. The boutique and Will’s ancestors breach the cost. “We aloof anticipation she should accept it,” says Gary Olson, Will’s father.
The third allowance was beneath obvious.
Not continued afterwards Will died, Bonnie created a Pinkbike annual beneath the username WillsGirl. She acquaint a bulletin thanking anybody for adulatory Will. Amid the replies was a bulletin from a woman called Heidi Dohse.
Heidi told Bonnie that she and her friend, a pro racer called Flynn George, had additionally been antagonism in Crested Butte, and were amid the accumulation that assisted with the emergency acknowledgment for Will. Heidi and Flynn had witnessed the logistical difficulties airish by the race’s alien backcountry location, and were acutely afflicted by the experience. Afterwards, they started talking about how the accomplishment acknowledgment could accept been improved.
Bonnie, Heidi, and Flynn met for the aboriginal time at the Big Abundance Enduro at Winter Park, about a ages afterwards Will died. Heidi and Flynn presented a berry of an idea, aggressive by Will’s crash: an alignment that would accommodate abundance bike–specific aboriginal aid training to riders and chase organizers. Immediately, Bonnie knew she was in. How could she help?
Over the abutting six months, Backcountry Lifeline was formed. Bonnie confused into Heidi’s abode in Boulder in January 2016, and with Flynn, they formed out mission statements and plans. Bonnie took the $10,000 or so that was larboard over from Will’s GoFundMe, and invested it into the apprentice company. The organizers of the Big Abundance Enduro alien them to big-name sponsors like Yeti Cycles and Smith, who abutting up enthusiastically. Backcountry Lifeline ran its aboriginal dispensary in April 2016.
While she was blockage at Heidi’s, Bonnie got an email from a doctor in Crested Butte. In Boston, Bonnie had managed business casework for physicians. The doctor had heard her story, and offered Bonnie a job. Essentially, the email said, appear assignment for me, as abundant or as little as you want. The doctor kept a sunny, one-bedroom accommodation with big windows and a accouter aloft her office. If Bonnie liked, she could alive there for a appropriate price.
The timing could not accept been added perfect. Alike with Backcountry Lifeline in the works, Bonnie had been activity unmoored—no partner, no home, no job. Aback she got the email, it acquainted like addition instance of the catholic action she’d acquainted afterwards Will had died, that she would move to the abode area she and Will aboriginal met, and the abode area he passed.
In March 2016, about eight months afterwards Will’s death, Bonnie confused to Crested Butte, and in the tiny, arresting ski town, she started to body a new life. Through her new company, and the annual about Will, Bonnie begin herself aback accepted by a beyond abundance bike association that was new to her. “Will and I rode, but we were mostly recreational riders,” she explained. “Crested Butte was abandoned his fifth race.” Now, Bonnie was accepting access to cycling contest all over, and everywhere she went, she accustomed a balmy welcome. “Everyone was like, ‘I’ve heard of you, I’m so sorry, I adulation what you’re doing, let’s ride,’” she says. She became abutting accompany with the organizers of both the Big Abundance Enduro and the EWS. She accomplished aboriginal aid to racers all over the country, including pros like Richie Rude and the Yeti branch team.
As Bonnie batten added about the experience, she came to use the appellation “heart opening” instead of heartbreaking. “I never knew my affection could feel this abundant accident and this abundant love,” she says. “I never knew my affection had this abundant capacity.”
Unbelievably, incomprehensibly, Bonnie absent the ring.
She doesn’t apperceive how it could accept happened. She was on a benumbed cruise in Moab. She ambiguous it anxiously into a abridged for safekeeping. But afterwards aback she looked it was gone. She was devastated. On the three-year ceremony of Will’s death, she did a podcast account about Backcountry Lifeline, and the accuser said, that arena allegation be your best admired possession, you allegation abrasion it every day. She was so abashed that she aria and didn’t acquaint the accuser that she had absent it.
Later that day she fabricated up her apperception that she had to alter it. She was accessible to absorb $5,000 to do it. Bonnie emailed the arena maker, a woman called Margery Hirschey. She explained what had happened to the ring, and asked if Margery could accomplish her another.
On Labor Day of 2018, absolutely three years from the day that Will’s ancestors had presented her with the aboriginal ring, Bonnie got a package. In it was the new ring, and a handwritten agenda from Margery: “This arena is a gift. I am accustomed to be allotment of this story.” Bonnie bankrupt bottomward sobbing.
Writer Joan Didion, who absent both her bedmate and her babe accidentally in beneath than two years, wrote that the beggared accept a assertive attending about them: “one of acute vulnerability, nakedness, openness.” To accommodated Bonnie McDonald is to admit that attending in her wide, amber eyes, to see it glint abaft her communicable smile and the jokes she alluringly deploys at aloof the appropriate moment in conversation, aback all the allocution of affliction has gotten too abundant and smothering. (This is for the account of the listener, of course. Bonnie is all too accustomed with the connected attendance of grief.)
In the months and years afterward Will’s death, Bonnie came to apperceive how little she, and best others, accepted grief. Addition told her she was adolescent and attractive, that she’d acquisition addition else, not at all compassionate that she didn’t appetite addition else, she capital Will. Bodies affected that she would alleviate as time went on. Afterwards the aboriginal year, they larboard her added to her own devices. And she did put on a adventurous face and try to focus on the positives. In her Facebook posts she acclaimed Will and the time they got to absorb together; bidding her acknowledgment for all the kindness, the beauty. But she did not column that some nights aback it got absolutely bad she still captivated his photo and cried, acclamation it, aggravating to bethink what his bark acquainted like, allurement the photo, “Just appear back.” She did not column about how she sometimes acquainted angry—angry at the circumstances, affronted at Will for leaving, alike affronted at cycling, the affair that had brought them together, the antecedent of the association about her, but additionally the affair that had taken him from her.
Bonnie abstruse the crushing abreast of her grief’s uniqueness. Aback addition said, “I apperceive how you feel, I absent my uncle,” she thought, Were you planning to ally your uncle? Or if she heard that addition absent a accomplice to cancer, she would feel appetent that at atomic they got to absorb time together, say goodbye. She acquainted abhorrent cerebration this. She would never accept capital to see Will ache like that. But to get to authority him one added time, kiss him, say aggregate she capital to say—she would accept accustomed annihilation for that.
In the three years aback Will’s death, Bonnie has acquainted herself fatigued to Will’s accompany and family, others who adulation and bethink him, too. She talks on the buzz consistently to Mike Pastore; she visits Gary Olson, Will’s dad, in Oregon. And aback they are all together, aback Bonnie is with Will’s ancestors or his friends, and they barter belief and beam and imitate Will—that funny articulation he’d make, or how lovably bad-humored he was, or how abundant he consistently hated dancing at weddings until he assuredly accomplished himself by watching YouTube videos—it’s about like he’s there.
Bonnie has dated, but annihilation serious. Aftermost summer, on her 41st birthday, her admirer at the time—a administrator at the bounded bike boutique with affectionate eyes that channelled at the edges whenever he smiled, which he did whenever he looked at her—posted a admiring bulletin about her on Facebook. Her aboriginal anticipation was, I’m not accessible for accessible declarations yet. And then: Will’s ancestors and accompany can see this.
Bonnie doesn’t apperceive aback she’ll be ready, aback it will stop activity like clearing to date anyone but Will. In her darkest moments she wonders if she’ll anytime be ready. She wants accompaniment in her life, of course, and she knows she’ll allegedly accept it. But as for actuality in love, absolutely in love, she wonders if maybe that address sailed with Will.
Maybe she already got her shot.
If you are benumbed up Aisle 400 alfresco of Crested Butte, up adjoin Star Pass, Will Olson’s blast armpit will appear up suddenly. Four centuries-old ache copse angle watch in the bosom of an aerial meadow. A cord of ablaze Tibetan adoration flags hangs amid them. On the better tree, a applique fabricated of six interlocked chainrings reads, “In admiring anamnesis of Will ‘The Thrill’ Olson.” Star Peak rises in the distance.
It’s a wild, admirable comatose place. Bonnie drives me up actuality in Will’s barter on a asperous clay road, cautiously action over behemothic boulders and accomplished potholes as abysmal as a adolescent pool, bridge two fast-flowing creeks. Alike afterwards all that, we haversack about an hour to get to the site.
Bonnie has been up actuality maybe a dozen times. She’s approved to charm the scene. She’s lain on the arena at assorted spots on and off the trail, adorable up at the ablaze clarification through the trees, apprehensive if this was what Will saw in his final moments. She’s approved to clue bottomward what he could accept hit—was it this backward bleep of a root? Was it this rock? Did he hit this tree, afresh animation back? Afresh she thinks, Why does it alike matter? Will is dead.
It’s fall, and already chilly. The clouds accept parted, and the sun illuminates them dramatically. Bonnie kneels on the arena to accessible her backpack. “I consistently accept ashes on me,” she says. She pulls out a clover drawstring pouch, the affectionate that adornment comes in, and out of that, a mini ziptop bag abounding of gray-white ashes. She offers me the bag, and I cascade a little accumulation into my palm. I apprehend them to be ablaze and fine, like what’s larboard over afterwards a campfire. Instead the ash feels like white bank from the coarsest beach, tiny bits of cartilage like pieces of carapace and coral. I chase Bonnie’s lead, admixture Will Olson’s ashes acquiescently on the ground. Aback we’re done, my approach is still covered in the dry, anemic dust. I action the accustomed appetite to clean my award adjoin one addition and instead, I do the abandoned affair that feels right. I authority my duke adjoin my heart. I authority it there until the dust is gone, traces of it on my billowy jacket, on my camera case.
The ashes still alive in the atramentous artificial box, the one that reads “William D. Olson” in accurate italicized type, which sits on top of Bonnie’s refrigerator. Some nights, aback she misses Will too much, she sleeps with them. Why don’t you put them in article added adequate then, a acquaintance already asked. “I like to feel the adamantine edges,” Bonnie said.
One night this accomplished fall, Bonnie had a adamantine chat with her boyfriend, the bike boutique manager. Afterwards he left, she took the box of ashes bottomward from the top of the refrigerator, and she brought it to bed with her. She lay there, coiled up about the box, in that bright, one-bedroom accommodation with the big windows, the one that came with the job in the mountains, which had appear to her as a way forward, aback she bare it the most.
Around her, blind on the walls, captivated to the fridge by magnets, were photos, glimpses of her accepted activity abutting to her old one: Actuality are Bonnie and Will animated at one addition at a Christmas party, aback she flew to Colorado and afraid him with a adorned new dress shirt and tie to wear. Actuality is Bonnie, audacity to audacity with her nephew, who is growing up so fast. Actuality she is during that apologetic short-hair appearance from several years back, assuming with Will for a selfie in their aisle helmets. Actuality she is in the backseat of a car on a alley trip, abutting to a abutting acquaintance of Will’s whom she abandoned met afterwards he died, who is accomplishing abominable things to a Barbie doll. Abutting to him, Bonnie is angled over in laughter.
Here is her bike, aptitude adjoin a bank in her apartment. The gleaming, absolute bike. The one she abstruse to do drops and all-overs on afterwards Will died, the one that gave her the aplomb to allegation off sandstone ledges and bottomward abstruse bedrock gardens. She wishes he could see the addition she’s become. She wishes he could see her fly. She’s a altered actuality now, too. She no best believes the apparition that annihilation in activity is guaranteed. The woman who hated announcement vulnerability is now added raw, open, and honest—she tells bodies what’s on her mind. She tells them that she loves them. She knows that you aloof never know.
Here is Bonnie, comatose in her bed with her box of ashes. In the morning, she’ll deathwatch up and go to assignment at a job she loves. In a few days, she’ll go to Boston for Thanksgiving. She’ll aces her niece up from school, backpack her to the car in her arms, anticipate this in itself was account the continued flight. She’ll horse about in the active allowance with her sister, accomplishing “gymnastics” like they did aback they were kids, and beam so adamantine she cries. A brace weeks afterwards that, she’ll go aback to Vail for a weekend with her girlfriends. Bonnie will dream of Will, and deathwatch up afore anybody abroad in the house. She’ll be animated for his visit, and sad. But afresh she’ll go skiing with her friends, and she’ll laugh. She’ll action this up to him: her smiles, her happiness.
Someday, she doesn’t apperceive aback yet, she’ll leave Crested Butte. She’s not abiding area she’ll move—maybe aback to Vail, maybe about absolutely new. But she’ll move.
Here is her life, her admirable life. The activity that was not accustomed to her but was article she had to build: out of the gifts, out of the love, out of the backbone that had consistently been hers.
It’s what she has left. It’s what will be there in the morning. It’s so much.
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